The Proposal (From Camp Feral: The Musical)
As one of Camp Feral’s guests of honour this month, I got the chance to write a song for their musical production. There are a couple of inside jokes here and there (like the whole “Holy Potassium” thing), but here’s the general idea:
- Camp Feral (a summer-camp-style Furry convention in Canada’s Algonquin Provincial Park) is struggling to stay afloat, like most geek conventions.
- A developer makes them an offer to “improve” the campsite… but he isn’t telling them that they’re located over an enormous deposit of Holy Potassium.
- Holy Potassium, it turns out, is a power-generating resource that could keep the camp alive forever… or power a hotel/casino/mall monstrosity for a few years.
And the best part is that I got to write the “bad guy” song. I love the bad guy songs, they’re always the most fun. The Proposal takes place in the developer’s board room as he discusses his plans with his subordinates (most of whom are idiotic suck-ups).
But there’s one employee who doesn’t think the boss’ plan is right.
MP3 Version:
WAV Version:
Lyrics:
Boss: Carter!Carter: Yes sir?Boss: Take a letter right now, we've got to make a proposal. We need that land, so we'll make them understand using every trick at our disposal.Hero: Psst, hey Carter…Carter: Not now… what?Hero: Does the boss realize this isn't 1965? He could use a phone for dictation.Carter: Shh! We don't wanna break his concentration.Phone: Now transcribing…Boss: That's a sexy voice you've got there, Carter.Carter: Um, thank you sir.Hero: Oh brother.Boss: To whom it may concern: Salutations. We've a proposition that you'll like. We project that, with our administration, we'll improve the conditions of the site. With minimal investment on our part we believe we can tangibly revamp logistical proprieties, but at it's heart it'll still be the same old camp. Picture the trees reaching for the skies, repelling all the flies, and broadcasting wi-fi. Cabins that self-clean, a carbon-filtered stream, and solar-powered toilets that convert your waste to steam!Carter: Um, sir, is that even technically possible?Boss: Just keep writing, Carter!Phone: Anything you say, sir.Boss: And so to bring this offer to conclusion, we look forward to enhancement of the site. (Which, naturally, necessitates inclusion of certain developing rights.) As you can see, the potential is boundless! We'll be breaking ground as early as the fall. I assure you, any hearsay is groundless regarding any rumors of a mall. A three-story mall… With waterslides and all… A hotel miles tall… A crystal gambling hall, oh the acres it could sprawl…Carter: Um, sir, did you really want that last part in there?Boss: Of course not! Strike that from the letter.Phone: With pleasure.Boss: Er… sincerely yours… et cetera, et cetera… and so on and so forth…Phone: End transcription.Boss: So… Carter… What do YOU think?Carter: Uh, it's genius sir! Making improvements to the camp based on the company's research and technology? Those furries won't even notice the difference until they get home with clean socks and no bug bites! Do you want me to draft a press release announcing the company's new eco-friendly initiative?Boss: ECO-FRIENDLY? (Uncontrollable laughter)Carter: Um, did I miss something, sir?Boss: Yes, Carter, you're fired.Carter: I'M FIRED?!?Suck-Ups: He's fired!Boss: Fired! Get out. (Everyone moves one seat closer to the boss as Carter leaves, making the Hero his new right-hand subordinate.)Now Carter…Hero: Um, sir, actually my name's not Carter, you see it's—Boss: Are you sure…?Hero: Um… I suppose I c- could've been wrong all these years… I'll tell my mother this weekend…Boss: That's the spirit! Now Carter—Hero: Yes sir?Boss: Pay attention if you can, for this is the plan for expanding: When those fluffies take the bait, they will underestimate the degree of control they are granting.Hero: Uh, wait a second… Sir, forgive my doubt, but won't the contract spell that out?Boss: Ha! How many of these morons would you guess read the IMVU TOS?Hero: Okay, so… you have a point.Boss: Moving on then… With the property in our jurisdiction, we will finally and legally be sound, after we exercise their eviction, to cut every tree to the ground.Hero: Wait, what?Boss: With a luxury hotel, my erection will be fueled by a power like the sun when the mining operation starts extraction of Holy Potassium.Hero: Wait wait, but sir, this is ridiculous! You can't honestly be prepared to pave over the entire forest just to—Boss: IS there a problem? Or do I need to find a new Carter…?Hero: …no sir.Boss: Then send that proposal, and GET ME CONTROL OF THAT LAND AT ONCE!
