This Band Does Not Suck

If I’m going to play shows for completely new audiences in unknown venues, I’d better have something soothing and reassuring to start the night with. After all, if you’re like me, you HATE it when you’re at a restaurant or pub and some local band starts banging away with 90’s covers.

I figured I’d reassure the audience (or listeners, if this one pops up on Spotify) with one simple statement of truth…

(On a production note, I sent this one to Benny for engineering again. I know we still haven’t hit the $800-per-thing goal yet, but he’s just making these songs sound too damn good NOT to stick with him. Please do me a favor and share this stuff, blog about it, cattle-prod your friends into the Officer’s Club and let’s keep this music sounding this good!)

LYRICS:

People of Earth:
Do not be alarmed.
We come in peace.
My name is Prodo-1
and I know what you are thinking:
You are upset,
you may even be frightened.
But I have seen the future
and I can assure you
with all sincerity and certainty
that this band does not suck

This band does not suck.
This band does not suck.

I know the urge to run away may be strong;
that when you first heard the drummer warming up,
you asked for the check.
You reached for the screen
to thumb this track down.
The din of some indie band
you've never heard of
is the last thing you want in your head tonight.
I understand.
Your mind is already taxed enough:
Famine.
War.
Poverty.
Disco.
That hottie ten feet to your left
that you keep making eye contact with,
but you can't tell if they're together
or they're just friends.
These are the tasks that overclock your CPU tonight.
So what fresh hell is this noise
pouring from the stage into your ears
like sap: pervasive and indelible?
I assure you, this noise—
these auditory constructions
—are here to help preserve your sanity,
not to destroy it.
For this band does not suck.

This band does not suck.
This band does not suck.

You can feel yourself begin to relax.
Order another beer.
The seat grows more comfortable,
the floor spacious and inviting.
In this place,
in this moment,
you
are
safe.
A sanctuary within a sanctuary.
For beyond the auditory reach of
this music we humbly offer tonight,
your life may seem burdensome.
Complicated.
Uncertain.
However,
the wretched turmoil of the world
outside this venue
seems like a kindergarten
when compared with the cold, unfeeling eternity
of the black universe.
Remember this—
and take this to heart,
for there may be little else to console you with.
One truth shines through
the eternal darkness:

This band does not suck.

This band does not suck.

This band
does
not
suck.